Summer Continues...

Simple remedies when life feels like lemons:

1. A full pitcher of pina coladas.
2. A bestest friend from college who thinks you're awesome.
3. A sea food feast.




I had to leave our place in Miami Beach. Period.

And I had the bestest offer from my bestest friend from college. Come stay with her in Nags Head, North Carolina and then go on a road trip next weekend to Princeton, NJ that will snake through Washington, DC, down to Charlottesville, VA, to friends in Charleston, SC then detour to Savannah, GA on our way back to Miami.

Simple. Buy ticket, have great Miami friend take me to airport, fly away.

First day in Nags Head = just what the doctor ordered.

Things I've done so far today:
1. Slept in. First good night's sleep in awhile.
2. Drank a lot of ocean trying to boogie board. Only thought I lost my bikini bottoms twice, and luckily never did. Waves here are totally different.
3. Caught up on my cosmo reading by the pool.
4. Jogged on the beach and did a p90x ab ripper extreme video (thanks, lindsay)
5. rode 14 miles on a pink beach cruiser and bought my first bag of pretzel m&ms

More pics to follow. More poems, more stories and more adventure. Two weeks until I have to go back to work.

Atlantic Ocean thoughts

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

Bittersweet Homecoming

When is waking up at 4:30 a.m. considered late? Answer: when your international flight is at 6:45 a.m. And the airport is a 45 minute drive. B and I snored through three alarms and only on his mom's 3rd phone call did I stir. Then everything was fast-motion with half-opened eyes. And the trusty Fiat his sister lent us for the airport drive wasn't exactly designed as a get-away car, with 750cc engine and not enough gas.

As I'm flying over the Atlantic, my only concerns are for the bottles of wine and red pepper spread packed haphazardly in my duffel. I'm imagining red wine soaked clothing and broken glass jar shards of red peppers smeared over my belongings. The price you pay for packing your bag at midnight, choosing to spend more minutes cuddling in with your man than ziplocking your liquids.

When I left on this trip, I was nervous about fitting in. I bought new euro-trash jeans, I got my hair highlighted to hell, I got my nails and toes looking their best, I practiced Serbian greetings, I stressed over gifts for B's family, I read the book “Questions to ask before you say I Do,” and I fretted. Totally fretted. Felt no matter what I did I wasn't going to be good enough for his family, for him, felt there were so many things about myself I couldn't change. And in a way, looking back now, I feel I was being superficial, I was being insecure. I thought the cultural differences between us were driving a wedge – but when I got to finally meet his family and friends, it seemed we were all more alike than different.

And the warning signs of an imperfect relationship were there before I left Miami to join B in Serbia. I was nervous and I couldn't talk to him about it. Red flag. The day before I came, he told me that he wasn't bringing me to meet or stay with his family and he wasn't telling them I was in Serbia. It made me feel like a stray dog, but I totally was going to try and make the best of it. Because I make the best of things.

When I first saw him at the airport, I didn't even know how to be with him – I started crying when he hugged me and I tried to blink the tears away; I was just so happy/sad/empty all at once. When we were sitting in the taxi, I didn't know if I could touch him or hold his hand, the space between us was just so strained. And I didn't understand what was happening – a week before we'd been having late night phone calls and saying 'I love yous” 'I miss yous' and sending each other pictures and sharing our lives. And then I was there in Belgrade and it felt like I was the most un-wanted person in his life and I wondered how much I was in it for the adventure and what amount of shit I would take and what I was going to do with two duffel bags of crap I had packed not thinking I was going to be a nomadic single traveler.

But now, almost 2 months later, things feel different. I think our relationship is in a new place. This past week with B and his family in his hometown was probably my favorite week of the entire trip. Despite criss-crossing south eastern Europe on a Harley Davidson and seeing amazing sights and doing unbelievable things, this past week was everything I imagined the trip would be when I originally bought my ticket. I saw B as a son, uncle, brother, friend and it was refreshing. This is a good man. I love this man. We were relaxed with each other, we were enjoying each other. I want to try this again. When he gets back to Miami...

Things I've done with B since breaking up

1. motorcycled 800 km
2. camped with him and his parents including sharing a tent
3. shoveled 5 tons of coal
4. had a barbeque
5. talked about getting back together

Travel Series: What to Pack

By request, I have compiled a list of what I would travel with for a trip of anywhere from a week to 3 months.

WHAT TO BRING:

1.iPod Touch – fits in a pocket, can access (free) wi-fi all over, downloadable maps for free or a few dollars, games, music, and email.
2.Oakley Bookbag – lots of straps useful for comfortable wearing, expandable, lots of external pockets, and you can strap the thing to a bicycle or motorcycle or tree.
3.Tarp/Picnic Blanket – great to lay on, eat on, sleep on, stay dry under.
4.Sleep mask + ear plugs = sound rest anywhere (bus, train, hostel)
5.Nail clippers and tweezers
6.small pack of wet wipes – shower anywhere, clean hands after a juicy peach.
7.a small ziplock of the round cosmetic pads for pimples (e.g. clearasil) – I use them to wash my face especially when it's hot and when I travel – I get the ones for sensitive skin so they don't dry me out and don't cause my face to sun burn.
8.Medicine: a few benadryls, a few tylenol p.m.s, a few ibuprofens, a few imodiums, and a few cough drops. I also like to have a a one time use thing of the triple antibiotic ointment and 1 band-aid, but not necessary.
9.Some ziplock bags (6 large gallon size, 6 quart size) – useful for saving food, preventing sunscreen spill over your clothes in suitcase, and protecting camera/wallet from rain in bookbag.
10.Powder laundry detergent in a ziplock bag (or oxiclean). More you are able to wash your clothes, less clothes you bring and more room in your bag for souvenirs.
11.A 3-4 foot piece of thin, strong rope – this is your clothes line in a hotel room, you always find a way to tie it.
12.Microfiber towel – miracle towel. Dries fast, can be used by 2 people for showering, folds up small, easily cleaned.
13. Matches – if you are sharing a bathroom.
14.Small umbrella – let the sightseeing continue on a rainy day!



Clothing:
15.1 travel dress – go to opera, go to dinner, go to beach all in the same dress – I have a jersey one from patagonia that I recommend because it's black and can be dressed up with jewelry, you can wear a bathing suit under it, can be washed in a bathroom sink and will dry overnight, and is a modest length.
16.Dri-fit hat – can be washed easily and dries fast, keeps you protected from sun.
17.1 fleece jacket + 1 pair stretchy long pants = warm layer. Also pajama bottoms if there are mosquitoes to cover your legs, or workout in or wear under jeans if cold or if jeans get wet an extra pair of pants.
18.1 pair of dark jeans. That's all you need.
19.Swimsuit – can be worn as underwear and washes easily in the bathroom sink and dries fast.
20.Good walking / running shoes (something name brand if you're going Eastern Europe – puma, diesel, etc. - then you can wear them as dress shoes or as walking or as running shoes – name brands are big and a pair of sneakers in the states for $60 would be $250 here) + one pair of nice comfortable flats (I have a pair of leather pointy toed flats that I love).
21.Pashmina / scarf = cover up (shoulders or ass in a bikini), blanket, hair bandana, seat saver, versatility.
22.2 t-shirts + 1 tank top (running one so it has a sports bra in it but long enough to wear with jeans – I love my lululemon one) + 1 nicer shirt (either a go-out shirt or a collared shirt – to wear with jeans or over your dress to make it like a skirt and shirt).
23.1 sports bra + 1 regular bra
24.4 pairs underwear and 3 pairs socks – and the socks are some that you will leave behind after the trip.
25.1 pair nike running shorts.

July 15th

Thursday, July 15, 2010 – Three days after break-up

I need to leave here,

should run away not look back

but my heart says stay.

I wasn't myself with B. I was nervous, reserved, scared. But then the worst that could happen did. He broke up with me, with no chance of getting back together. None. I asked.

After feeling alone and scared and not really wanting the life I had anymore nor thinking that anyone would ever be as great as B, I let go. It was done. I was done. I still love him, but I won't be the girl I've been this past year. I can't anymore. I won't let myself feel so intimidated by someone. I won't cry in bathrooms, I won't hide my feelings, I won't feel like everything is an effort to be someone I want to be. I am more than what I was being with him.

But I'm still with him, and I know I should leave. This isn't real, though it feels more real than ever. We aren't together. But in the minute to minute, day to day, we are. We are lovers, we are friends, we are doing well. By breaking up, we have in a way started to like each other more.

I need to leave. I'm at his parent's house, living a dream. We are in their eyes still together, still in love. It's not a hard lie to live. Momma bear does our laundry and cooks delicious meals that are filling up my soul. Papa bear laughs and exudes a warmth and sense of of fun and trouble that reminds me of why I fell in love with B. And B smiles at me, in a way that he hasn't for awhile.

I know it's not fair for me to be here, for me to be loving it and recharging and feeling so good. I am happy. But it's his home, his parents, his life – I should be on the streets in Belgrade, wandering around in this summer heat wave, feeling alone and confused and heartbroken. Feeling lost.

Returning to Miami and our apartment will be hard, and moving out will be harder. But not as hard as it was when I lived there with B and things were not well. No more tears and sleeping pills and emptiness inside and hating myself and walking on egg shells and trying to please. No more not feeling good enough for him, not feeling good enough for me. It's too exhausting. And there are too many things I love more than loneliness: bicycling like I'm a badass, laying on the beach, reading books and getting upset with celebrity gossip and reality tv, writing, shopping at costco, singing off-key and need I even mention wine and cheese?

Ah, but in the end, I still want B to want to be with me and me to want to be with him and for us to have fat, happy babies together that grow up to be Olympians in a revenue based team sport that they can go pro in. I'm hoping our time apart (however much time life dictates) will end up bringing us back together at the right moment. Maybe he'll be life-guarding on the beach and have to save me, and we realize we love each other after he grabs me in the water and our bodies slide together and I get some unnecessary mouth-to-mouth. Or maybe we'll be at a regatta somewhere and our eyes will lock and we'll know it's time. Or maybe it will be like Sex and the City when Carrie sees Aiden on the street in season 5 and he turns around and has a baby strapped to his belly, signaling that he moved on. Fuck. I'm hoping for drowning scenario uno.

The end

"This is it. I want to go home." He didn't even look at me when he spoke. And I didn't have any more tears.

And we left Hvar. We returned our ferry tickets to Anconca, Italy (minus about 300 kronas and a few dreams) and headed back to Smederevo, Serbia to B's home.

Riding a motorcycle with your ex isn't as hard as I thought. It gave me time to think.

This wasn't working as it was.

I know it will read childish, but I really love him and I hope the universe will bring us back together. And it will be better, because I will be me and he will be him and that will be what both of us want.

For now, I'm in the upstairs of B's parent's house, trying to figure out what to do next (with my life).

Options:
1. Stay in Belgrade until August when my plane ticket home is. Pros: learn some Serbian, buy some souvenirs, be close to B. Cons: expensive, lonely, possibly isolating, living as the single girl traveler in a hostel in summer when I have a nice bed in Miami Beach, too close to B.

2. Leave for Miami Beach ASAP: Pros: friends, beach, no work, time to re-group myself. Cons: "our place" is no more and won't feel like home, and I need to find a new place to live, and moving in summer in Miami sucks, and I have to deal with all that when I get back to Miami Beach so avoidance seems more appealing.

3. Travel around Europe: Pros: sounds exciting and cosmopolitan, I'm already here so wouldn't be as expensive as coming back and I don't have a schedule, new experiences. Cons: lonely, costs money, and would feel empty after traveling with B for the past month.

4. Move to Canada and start new life with Carolyn. Pros: would be different, and Carolyn is my best friend and she's a good cook and roommate. Cons: she said I could only have an outside dog, and I have no job there, and it would be running away.

5. ???

Lavender and break up

B and I picked wild lavender yesterday and bought honey and lavender oil from a roadside stand.


Known healing properties: allergies, insomnia, mosquito repellent
Desired healing properties: relationship